The Dread of Thoughts

This post is basically a recap of my life for the past one year.

It has no intention to hurt reader's feelings. Do read the disclaimer at the end of this post to fully understand the reader's responsibility.

Beginning of Senior Year

I knew I was late on my very first day of senior year when my car stopped in front of the school that had been closed by the security guards. I could hear the typical Westminster Quarters bell rang inside the car, but I refused to get out of car and walked through the morning traffic. After being asked to write down my name on a book filled with not-so-discipline students’ name, I was allowed to get inside the school.

I searched for my class and when I found it, I knocked the door and walked inside the classroom with pride, because I got into the best class among all of the twelfth grade classes.

On lunch break, I got caught by the discipline mistresses and they said I did not follow the school’s rules because both my skirts and socks were too short. They interpreted two inches above my knees as short. No wonder I have been caught for so many times since I was still in junior high school and been asked to buy a new skirt on the spot.

Basically, I was somewhat in the midst between a bad ass and a nerd. Not only I love to break the rules, but also I love to study. Yet I was just an ordinary girl in people’s eyes, especially in my best friend’s eyes.

That very best friend that I no longer assumed as my best friend.

Quarter of Senior Year

My school had five different cafeterias that were always filled with students. I was having my lunch in one of those five cafeterias alone, but I could not enjoy it. It was because the cafeteria was lack of ventilation and people were crossing by my table continuously. Even worse, there was no signal my phone could catch, so I tried to finish my lunch sooner and after a few more minutes of being trapped in the hot cafeteria, I finally went back to class. 

The lecture was so boring and I had no idea what was the teacher talking about. Not long, I was drowned in a deep reverie. I was thinking about where actually should I go to pursue my higher education and the next thing happened was I found myself looking to the outside of the window. My best friend was standing in front of my class talking to a teacher and suddenly I could feel my heart bumping rapidly like it was going to explode.

Midst of Senior Year

It had always been a custom for every senior class to have a photoshoot for the yearbook. I tried my best not to go to school late, so I woke up earlier and tied up a perfect ponytail in my hair. When I got into school, I saw half of my classmates dyed their hair brown and applied makeup that resulted in the look similar to the Kardashians. It was bizarre to see how in a day their appearances were all changed, drastically.

The photoshoot results were then released within a week and everyone was energetically willing to queue in front of the photographer’s office to get soft copies of the pictures. I did not give a heck at all even though I paid with money I had earned by teaching at an English learning center after school. But still, no matter how many stupid things were going on my life, at the end of the day I still kept on thinking about random things.

Third Quarters of Senior Year

Senior year had almost reached its end, but I still remained the same person. Almost everyone in high school seemed to have their own significant others, but where was mine?

Since it was almost the end of my senior year, I needed to make up my mind as soon as possible about where would I continue my higher education. I kept on thinking the same thing everyday and I started to feel sick of it. “I need to stop my overthinking habit,” I said to myself.

One afternoon in the middle of having my lunch, someone who came from behind covered my eyes with both eyes. When I turned around, I was extremely delighted to find out that it was my best friend who did it; a friend that used to care about me and had had always make me smile.

We used to get along really well until the day when he had a girlfriend and in a sudden forgot everything about me. He came to me only when he had problems with his girlfriend and asked for my advice. I only hoped he did not consider me as his personal counselor. I somehow felt so unwanted and I just missed everything between us.

Tired of this crazy world, I decided to try to walk away from someone I cared about.

End of Senior Year

I did not even have the intention to study yet when every student was busy studying for the government exams. “Where should I go for college?” Yes, I thought about it again.

My family and I were having dinner when they said, “We are definitely sending you to the United States to let you pursue your higher education.” What? I did not believe it. I thought it was April the first, but no! They were serious. Yay! New life, new journey, new adventure.

I walked by my best friend’s class the next day with no high expectation of meeting him. But, he suddenly came out from nowhere and yelled my name. We had our short conversation about where was I going for education and I replied him shortly, “America.”

A few weeks after taking the government test, the result announced that I was officially a high school graduate. A week after graduation, Tom asked me out before I went to the United States. But when the time arrived, I could not go with him because I was going out with my dad. Therefore, I cancelled our plan.

The reality was finally better than my dreams, even though I did not expect too much. “He asked me out? Was I dreaming? What was going on?” I thought.

Departure

The first time flying to another country that was thousand miles away from home was uneasy thing to do. Not only it was the distance, but also I was traveling by myself.

When I landed, I turned on my phone and intended to inform my family that I had arrived safely. I tried to connect my outdated iPhone that I got from my dad as a Christmas present to the wifi connection at the airport.

Surprisingly enough, I got a text from my best friend saying, “have a pleasant flight. Don’t forget to inform me once you have landed. I love you.” It took me a while to interpret what he meant. Eventually, I replied him with, “thank you. I have arrived safely. I love you, too.” Wait. What? Did I just say I love you, too?

After everything had been settled in the airport, I took a ride to my apartment in one of the cities near my school. I could now wait until the next day when I bought my own phone card, so I would not be so dependable on wifi anymore.

At the same day that evening, my best friend texted me again asking me to go online on Skype. “What did he want from me actually? Why had he become so annoying in a good way lately?” We then had our video call session for the next two hours. We did talk a lot and discussed so many random things together. It was just like how we used to be and I missed that.

First Semester of College

I met a lot of people from various backgrounds, ethnicity, ages, and gender. But, I could not find someone who I could consider as best friends. They were all solely my classmate and that was it. I cooked my lunch in my apartment in the morning and had it alone in the cafeteria. I was okay with it since that had happened to me almost everyday in high school.

I had a goal set before my first semester started. I really wanted to get good grades in college and with every effort I put, my hard work had eventually paid off. At the end of semester, I was jubilant about the fact that I got perfect scores in every subject until I got bad news from my family telling my daddy positively is diagnosed a stage four cancer.

I felt like my entire world had ended and the smallest but only thing I could do to release at least the slightest bit of agony was by crying.

End of First Semester

“Why does it happen to me?” I thought. I was only eighteen and I desperately needed someone I could rely on. I wanted to pour everything in my heart out. I have tried to look into people’s eyes for comfort, but nothing came. I cried out to God, begging him to hear my prayers for my daddy’s health and every other things. But, all I heard were my lonely, wailing sobs. Thinking about my life when I was lonely is a horrible, horrible thing to do.

And in the end, I was still left alone with my past, pains, and thoughts.


Disclaimer:

No hard feelings. I don't mean to deter anyone from enjoying this story or opinions on this post. Quite the contrary, I want to be specific about what visitors / readers should expect here in hopes they can enjoy my blog in the entertaining manner in which they are meant to. But, I believe we all have different emotions as well as senses of humor and I can't possibly please anyone.

© Copyright 2016 Jessie Metaurine