The Dread of Thoughts

This post is basically a recap of my life for the past one year.

It has no intention to hurt reader's feelings. Do read the disclaimer at the end of this post to fully understand the reader's responsibility.

Beginning of Senior Year

I knew I was late on my very first day of senior year when my car stopped in front of the school that had been closed by the security guards. I could hear the typical Westminster Quarters bell rang inside the car, but I refused to get out of car and walked through the morning traffic. After being asked to write down my name on a book filled with not-so-discipline students’ name, I was allowed to get inside the school.

I searched for my class and when I found it, I knocked the door and walked inside the classroom with pride, because I got into the best class among all of the twelfth grade classes.

On lunch break, I got caught by the discipline mistresses and they said I did not follow the school’s rules because both my skirts and socks were too short. They interpreted two inches above my knees as short. No wonder I have been caught for so many times since I was still in junior high school and been asked to buy a new skirt on the spot.

Basically, I was somewhat in the midst between a bad ass and a nerd. Not only I love to break the rules, but also I love to study. Yet I was just an ordinary girl in people’s eyes, especially in my best friend’s eyes.

That very best friend that I no longer assumed as my best friend.

Quarter of Senior Year

My school had five different cafeterias that were always filled with students. I was having my lunch in one of those five cafeterias alone, but I could not enjoy it. It was because the cafeteria was lack of ventilation and people were crossing by my table continuously. Even worse, there was no signal my phone could catch, so I tried to finish my lunch sooner and after a few more minutes of being trapped in the hot cafeteria, I finally went back to class. 

The lecture was so boring and I had no idea what was the teacher talking about. Not long, I was drowned in a deep reverie. I was thinking about where actually should I go to pursue my higher education and the next thing happened was I found myself looking to the outside of the window. My best friend was standing in front of my class talking to a teacher and suddenly I could feel my heart bumping rapidly like it was going to explode.

Midst of Senior Year

It had always been a custom for every senior class to have a photoshoot for the yearbook. I tried my best not to go to school late, so I woke up earlier and tied up a perfect ponytail in my hair. When I got into school, I saw half of my classmates dyed their hair brown and applied makeup that resulted in the look similar to the Kardashians. It was bizarre to see how in a day their appearances were all changed, drastically.

The photoshoot results were then released within a week and everyone was energetically willing to queue in front of the photographer’s office to get soft copies of the pictures. I did not give a heck at all even though I paid with money I had earned by teaching at an English learning center after school. But still, no matter how many stupid things were going on my life, at the end of the day I still kept on thinking about random things.

Third Quarters of Senior Year

Senior year had almost reached its end, but I still remained the same person. Almost everyone in high school seemed to have their own significant others, but where was mine?

Since it was almost the end of my senior year, I needed to make up my mind as soon as possible about where would I continue my higher education. I kept on thinking the same thing everyday and I started to feel sick of it. “I need to stop my overthinking habit,” I said to myself.

One afternoon in the middle of having my lunch, someone who came from behind covered my eyes with both eyes. When I turned around, I was extremely delighted to find out that it was my best friend who did it; a friend that used to care about me and had had always make me smile.

We used to get along really well until the day when he had a girlfriend and in a sudden forgot everything about me. He came to me only when he had problems with his girlfriend and asked for my advice. I only hoped he did not consider me as his personal counselor. I somehow felt so unwanted and I just missed everything between us.

Tired of this crazy world, I decided to try to walk away from someone I cared about.

End of Senior Year

I did not even have the intention to study yet when every student was busy studying for the government exams. “Where should I go for college?” Yes, I thought about it again.

My family and I were having dinner when they said, “We are definitely sending you to the United States to let you pursue your higher education.” What? I did not believe it. I thought it was April the first, but no! They were serious. Yay! New life, new journey, new adventure.

I walked by my best friend’s class the next day with no high expectation of meeting him. But, he suddenly came out from nowhere and yelled my name. We had our short conversation about where was I going for education and I replied him shortly, “America.”

A few weeks after taking the government test, the result announced that I was officially a high school graduate. A week after graduation, Tom asked me out before I went to the United States. But when the time arrived, I could not go with him because I was going out with my dad. Therefore, I cancelled our plan.

The reality was finally better than my dreams, even though I did not expect too much. “He asked me out? Was I dreaming? What was going on?” I thought.

Departure

The first time flying to another country that was thousand miles away from home was uneasy thing to do. Not only it was the distance, but also I was traveling by myself.

When I landed, I turned on my phone and intended to inform my family that I had arrived safely. I tried to connect my outdated iPhone that I got from my dad as a Christmas present to the wifi connection at the airport.

Surprisingly enough, I got a text from my best friend saying, “have a pleasant flight. Don’t forget to inform me once you have landed. I love you.” It took me a while to interpret what he meant. Eventually, I replied him with, “thank you. I have arrived safely. I love you, too.” Wait. What? Did I just say I love you, too?

After everything had been settled in the airport, I took a ride to my apartment in one of the cities near my school. I could now wait until the next day when I bought my own phone card, so I would not be so dependable on wifi anymore.

At the same day that evening, my best friend texted me again asking me to go online on Skype. “What did he want from me actually? Why had he become so annoying in a good way lately?” We then had our video call session for the next two hours. We did talk a lot and discussed so many random things together. It was just like how we used to be and I missed that.

First Semester of College

I met a lot of people from various backgrounds, ethnicity, ages, and gender. But, I could not find someone who I could consider as best friends. They were all solely my classmate and that was it. I cooked my lunch in my apartment in the morning and had it alone in the cafeteria. I was okay with it since that had happened to me almost everyday in high school.

I had a goal set before my first semester started. I really wanted to get good grades in college and with every effort I put, my hard work had eventually paid off. At the end of semester, I was jubilant about the fact that I got perfect scores in every subject until I got bad news from my family telling my daddy positively is diagnosed a stage four cancer.

I felt like my entire world had ended and the smallest but only thing I could do to release at least the slightest bit of agony was by crying.

End of First Semester

“Why does it happen to me?” I thought. I was only eighteen and I desperately needed someone I could rely on. I wanted to pour everything in my heart out. I have tried to look into people’s eyes for comfort, but nothing came. I cried out to God, begging him to hear my prayers for my daddy’s health and every other things. But, all I heard were my lonely, wailing sobs. Thinking about my life when I was lonely is a horrible, horrible thing to do.

And in the end, I was still left alone with my past, pains, and thoughts.


Disclaimer:

No hard feelings. I don't mean to deter anyone from enjoying this story or opinions on this post. Quite the contrary, I want to be specific about what visitors / readers should expect here in hopes they can enjoy my blog in the entertaining manner in which they are meant to. But, I believe we all have different emotions as well as senses of humor and I can't possibly please anyone.

© Copyright 2016 Jessie Metaurine

Crazy in Love

Shit happens. It always happens. I don’t care if it happens for no reason, or maybe for a reason. I don’t care. I only care about why it always happens. It always happens to me, or maybe to you, too? Or you. Or.. you. Seriously, why?

To brighten up my day, I took some shots with my camera which I haven't touched for so long.

All of these were taken a day before Mother's Day. How did you celebrate the day with mommy? let's share! :)

Flowers smell real good and they are indeed more beautiful than you. Haha.

Do you prefer white, red or pink roses? I love all of them.

The pic above is dedicated to you, who often unconsciously hurt your mother's feeling. Do you even know when, what date is Mother's Day if I dare you not to check your Instagram feed in the morning and following your friends to upload a pic of you and your mom with oh-so-sweet-caption? Do you really mean them, anyways? It's completely useless if you're only following the trend, babe. Please, let this sink in for at least a minute.

How many times have you not listened to what your mom said? Have you ever regretted for not listening to her?

When she needed you to accompany her to.. let's say, to Pasar Rame, were you there?

When you are not feeling well, who is always there taking care of you?

I know that sometimes, mom could be so stubborn. When you think you're right and she thinks you're wrong, that's the time for you to control your emotions. Don't start the fight.

You are like who you are now because of.. your mom. What if she didn't bear the pain for 9 months?

Tell yourself that:

I have argued with my mom for so many times, but I still love her.

I have been such a pain in the ass, but I know deep down she still loves me.

I haven't done something great to make her proud of me, but I believe i will.

She is the best girl friend in the world, she's my priority.

I have ever been so mad with her for so many times, and I promise, in the future I'll try my best to control my emotions.

She has ever embarrassed me by yelling in public (if ever), and I have no reason to hate her. It's my fault and I have to accept the consequences.

And tell your mom that:

You love her, unconditionally, now & forever.

Happy Mother's Day to all superwomen in the whole universe! Thanks for being so awesome.

Flawless

Helloo, bloggiess. Thanks for checking my blog out and I don't even remember when was the last time I posted something to this blog. But now, I'm so glad to be here eventually, so I'm going to fill this blank white creepy space with words.

It's just unbelievable how time flies like an arrow. Six months ago, my classmates were busy discussing and debating about the suitable name for our class. Somebody suggested with 'Allegiance', but some people found it hard to pronounce especially when we are expected to yell our class name (which is right), then we came up with another name: hardcore. Sadly, unfortunately, regrettably, dismally, horribly, unsuccessfully, and any other possible synonyms, probably only two-tenths of the class voted for it. The two included me, undoubtedly. 

From my perspective, it's quite a good name. Don't you think so? My class would sound way cooler with that manly name. I was unable to do anything, so I just let it all slide. Long story short, the result of all the shouts and yells from the class monitor and his so-called assistants, is this big name, FALCON.

After we had our official class name, we made t-shirts and hoodies with it. Shirts are okay. Hoodies came spookily with gross class logo. Tell me when bright yellow and red ever matched.

Just right after discussing the class name, there came another thing: class photoshoot and decided to go to Sibolangit for the photoshoot. Photos taken are okay, we had a lot of fun with groups here and there.

Next after our photoshoot session, we had a big and serious discussion again, this time was about Inauguration party. our party ended up in Aryaduta hotel without any special decorations. Partied so hard that night, I still remember.

I wore a black knitted & shining flowers top with below-the-knee skirt, featuring a pair of sexy heels. I only applied sunblock to my face and drew my eyebrows (I've never liked applying makeup). Hair is still short, so nothing much was done to it.

As you can see below, the black t-shirt is my class' property. It's written there "Property of 2015 Falcon", printed in white color. And there is "01" on someone's back. it shows that our class is the 1st class amongst all social classes.

Unforgettable high school memories, indeed. In two weeks, I'm going to face UAS. But can you see what am I doing right now?
Anyways, I had my test yesterday. Everything was fine, except the listening section. I missed some important parts..

Speaking section was fun. I love talking to native speaker, but I was too nervous that I couldn't think of what to say. I didn't prepare the answers on my mind first. Thus, i answered reflexively. i hope they were coherent, because I've forgotten almost all of what I said. So, there's no way daddy could judge whether or not my responses are good enough.

Frankly speaking, I made a lot of grammar mistakes with illogical responses and sentence structures errors on this speaking section. I don't understand what was I thinking! Some are out of topic, but dad said everything is going to be alright. Guess I have to listen to him, yes?

So, let's talk about my daily life. A random anonymous on ask.fm asked me one insane question: Have you ever been mad to someone you really love? Why??

I don't know who asked me question like that, but it bothers me so much. And I answered with, "simply because of IG, you don't have to know my privacy."

yes, simply because of IG. since then, I barely check my account anymore. Whenever i feel like uploading new picture, I'll log in. And after successfully posted, I'll immediately sign out.

So, don't ask me "why is your IG account so dead?" anymore.

You were good to me, once. You treated me very well, once. But something happened, and you are no longer here. Wondering why you could still be this happy.

I'm out,

Jessie.

Let's Get Weird

Firstly,
I finally made my decision to choose social class instead of science class, and now I'm stuck there without best friends around me so I rarely can do something stupid. In addition, this is the very first time I'm facing accounting which is not a good sign for me while the exams week is approaching, but I must take the consequences of choosing social class, musn't I?
At least I don't have to face chemistry and physics any longer. (Yeay)

Secondly,
I'm sick of knowing people who at the end always says something rude to me that it tears my heart a lot. Sadly, all I can do is bury them in my heart and cry when nobody is watching.

Thirdly,
You are smaller than a tiny bugs if you are being compared to all beings in this world, so can't you stop thinking that you are the best in the world?
Thinking that you're capable of doing anything? Even the richest guy in this world doesn't seem to think that way

Fourthly,
I've wasted so many hours of my lifetime doing something unimportant lately like playing laptop all day long reading news, chatting, checking tweets, watching ncis, and so on.
wish i could change
Fifthly,
I hate it when someone gets mad with me without any reason, and it's happening right now
To make it clearer, that someone is my mom

But I can handle it myself because I know I'm not weak

Anyhow I feel so guilty to someone out there, far away from me but I really can't explain what's going on right now

I'm watching Barbie while waiting for mom and bro to be home to bring me my dinner from i don't know where
talking about Barbie, it is the movie i used to watch when i was still a little kid and the first movie that made me believe that true love does exist

I miss my childhood, being a winner and never a loser
 

Jessie

Dancing With Tears In My Eyes

I know I'm too young to be so unhappy like this

I can't tell how unhappy I am right now

See, I know I'm going to lose people in my life and realize that no matter how much time I've spent with them or how much I appreciate them and told them so, it will never seem like enough

I'm sick of pretending to be happy all the time, I'm sick of having to cheer everyone up when I can barely stand getting up in the morning

It just does not seem fair anymore

Sometimes I find myself running from love

I want to push anyone away who tries because honestly, I'd feel horrible if anyone had to deal with the fucked up mess I am

To be with me would be a chore

Maybe at first they wouldn't see it, maybe they wouldn't want to

But I am nothing great

I'm just a girl with a lot of heart, no direction, and barely any stability

I'm better off alone and I've been so good at it

How could I stop now?

You made me open up and talk about things i never told anyone

Then you left, and that's what hurts, the most

Is it so easy to walk away?

I thought I could do this without being attached Just have fun and not give my heart away

But all of a sudden, every smile, every word you said stays with me

I can't get you out of my head

Laughing while I'm crying, I don't wanna let them know I'm dying and if pages learned to think, you're not even worth my black ink revenge

And it seems to me that a promise isn't something you keep and a secret never lasts

It only sees what you see

It's the taste in my mouth

It's the nauseousness

It's my stomach in knots forming cascades of gunshots, leaving me holding a pen and this page and these words filled with rage

If this is all I have to give, these written words exposing within

And everyone has a secret of sin

Then why do I feel all alone in the end?

emotionallyxhurt. xo